Discreet Secrets
by Samanda Hime-sama
Summary: Completed Subaru angsts over her unrequited love. Then it's Mimiru's turn. Who get's their man in the end? ST or MT? Told from alternationg POV's. Last chapter up. Tsukasa's POV. Subaru appologizes.
1. Subaru's POV

I thought it was time for a Tsukasa/Subaru story. Imagine my surprise as I sat down to write a fluffy story but what ended up flowing was a angsty piece instead. 

I really feel that Subaru would maybe resent someone who was picked over her for her love's affections but she wouldn't hate 'em. Subaru doesn't have it in her to hate anyone. She's too understanding of pain and human nature.

This one shot is dedicated to Dark Mimiru who has reviewed all of my dot hack stories faithfully and given me some good criticism. Thank you so much!

Read, enjoy and review,

Samanda

Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack or any of its characters.

Discreet Secrets

Subaru's POV

I see both of them up ahead of me. They think their act is impenetrable to everyone else and it is true for people who don't know them well. But I have seen through it and I know that Bear knows the truth but won't say a word.

How could you choose her over me? Please, I want to know why.

She met you first I know. But her brash attitude and rude manners put you off at first. But you were drawn to her from the beginning. Like a moth to a flame.

You say that I helped you realize that you weren't really alone anymore. That there were other people, like Bear and I, to help you out in your time of need.

But where are you right now when I am in need of help?

But even though we were closer during the time right before Aura's awakening and still remain close, she has stolen a part of your trust I once held away from me.

In the past you told me I was your confidante and that we were soul bonded because we understood the other's pain. But now she is your only confidante and you consider me to be a soul sister. Nothing more.

I hurt. And you are the reason I hurt.

My heart aches with the loss of what I no longer have. It cries out silently in pain at the reduced role I now play in your life now that you have Her. 

But I will not tell you anything about the way I feel. I will suffer in silence because in my heart I know that you deserve happiness. You have known little and that breaks my heart even more. So don't worry over what I feel if you ever notice. I will make up an excuse over a look or a misspoken word because I cannot find it in my heart to be selfish even though I want to.

I read somewhere once that you can know if your love is true by how unselfish your desire for the other person's happiness. If that is correct then my love must be strong and true because I am willing to undergo a sense of pain whenever I see you together just because I know that you are happy with her.

And in that way I am also happy because you have what you want. 

Though you want to keep your relationship with her a discreet secret you still sometimes betray each other will a look or an 'accidental' touch that shows the most observant how you truly feel. So I know and Bear knows. Crim knows and from his long friendship with me he also guesses how I feel about you. No one really knows what BT thinks about your relationship except possibly Crim who stays quiet on that point.

"Subaru?" Mimiru's voice calls me and I snap back to reality with a hard thump.

"Yes?" I say in an even tone.

"We're getting closer to Helba's Gate. Don't fall behind," Bear warned.

"Coming," I move closer to the group that contains my love and his lover.

"Let's go." Crim said coolly.

I prepare to Gate to the new location that Helba sent us as I pray that everything turns out well and everyone returns alive.

I love you, Tsukasa. Be happy with Mimiru.

~Fini~


	2. Mimiru's POV

Okay I lied. This WAS going to be a one shot fic but last night an interesting twist for a second chapter came to me and I decided to write it. So be happy people.

The first chapter is still dedicated to Dark Mimi-chan, who is such a fan of the Tsukasa/Mimiru coupling.

But this chapter is dedicated to Akichi who still believes Tsukasa/Subaru is the only coupling possible for Tsukasa. Enjoy, Akichi!

Samanda

Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack or any of the characters named in this story.

Discreet Secrets Part Two

Mimiru's POV:

I squeeze Tsukasa's hand and smile at him encouragingly. Reassured, he's able to smile back at me before he drops back to talk to Subaru.

With him behind me I'm able to drop the mask of cheerful optimism without worrying that he'll see it and ask me what's wrong.

But then he doesn't know. He's sees me as his best friend and to him that's all I'll ever be. I feel so much more than friendship for Tsukasa but I'll never be able to share it with him.

You see he's in love with Subaru.

When he asked to talk to me alone last week, my heart sped up and all I could think was: Yes! He's finally noticed me!

And so I went with him.

But when he took my hand and looked into my eyes I started to shake. Then he turned a little away from me as he made his request.

"I need your help, Mimiru. I need Subaru to notice me." He said with a little blush.

I think that was the point that I paled. I know for certain that that was the point where I felt ill. I excused myself quickly, telling him that my mother was calling me and I would be back shortly before I logged out.

I barely made it to the bathroom on time to rid myself of my lunch. As I sat there shaking with the coldness of the tile seeping into my body, I came to a decision.

I had already known that I would do whatever it took to make Tsukasa happy. It made him happy to have me as a friend. And Subaru also made Tsukasa happy in a way I couldn't do for him it seemed.

And that stung.

But life is full of things that never seem to go your way and I had learned that lesson already. And so I walked back to my room on shaky legs to log back onto The World.

I told Tsukasa I would help him with what he asked me while I silently prayed for the strength to finish this task to the end. Maybe by then I'd be able to accept his choice.

But that point is here but I still haven't accepted it. I think it will take much longer than a week for that.

And now he's gone to tell his love how he feels. It's what I suggested he do. Subaru doesn't need to notice him, she already has. I can tell that Subaru loves him because she has all the signs that I've been hiding. 

I wonder when Bear and BT will realize that my mask of childishness and naivete is too perfect to be real. That no one can have grown to the age of fifteen without gained some maturity.

But enough of that subject. I don't have the time to ponder questions like that one right now.

What's this I see? Subaru is shaking her head 'no' to Tsukasa? Could he have bungled that simple speech I gave him?

Well Tsukasa looks devastated. He turns away from Subaru and gates away. I guess it's time for me to stick my oar into the waters so to speak.

I head over to where Subaru is standing and ask her a question. "What did you say to him?"

Subaru looks up at me. Beyond the doll like mask every character has I can see traces of hurt and despair. Her suffering must be great indeed for it to show through no matter how faintly.

She spoke to me with jealousy in her voice. "I told him that he cannot love me. I see the way he looks at you and I know he feels more for you than he ever will for me."

"You fool," I said harshly. "He approached me so I could help him win you. He wanted you to notice him. I told him all he needed to do was tell you how he felt. I kept to myself how I know you felt in return since that is a private thing between you and him. I knew you wouldn't appreciate me telling him something so personal."

"He really said that?" Subaru was uncertain.

"Yes." I gentled my tone as I looked at Subaru biting her lip. "He loves you, Subaru. You need not be jealous of me. I hold only the place of 'friend' and nothing more."

Subaru's uncertainty faded and she stood up tall like Crim had once bade her to do so. "Thank you, Mimiru. How can I ever repay you?"

Her thanks and offer of repayment wounded my already tortured soul so I spoke more harshly than I meant to. "Just make him happy, Subaru. That's all I want from you."

I turned and started walking back into the direction I had come from. I was only a few feet away when her soft voice called out to me again.

"Why are you helping us anyway?"

I stopped then looked back at her then answered simply. "Because Tsukasa asked me to."

For that one moment I had forgotten my mask and whatever she saw quieted her. She hesitated then embraced me quickly as she whispered something to me before gating away to follow Tsukasa.

I abruptly changed my mind and left The World. I had had enough of reality and fantasy today. 

"I understand." Her two words haunted me as I became aware of the real world again.

I guess I'm not the consummate actress I thought I was.


	3. Tsukasa's POV

Sorry that this chapter is so short but I didn't want to keep Tsukasa in misery for very long. He deserves some happiness don't you think?

The first chapter is still dedicated to Dark Mimi-chan, who is such a fan of the Tsukasa/Mimiru coupling.

But second and third chapters are dedicated to Akichi who still believes Tsukasa/Subaru is the only coupling possible for Tsukasa. Enjoy, Akichi!

Samanda

Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack or any of the characters named in this story.

Discreet Secrets Part Three

Tsukasa's POV

I ran away from Subaru after she rejected me. How could she be so cruel to me? I still love her so much that now in the aftermath of her rejection my lungs feel like they are full of broken glass. Each breath makes the pain grind together until I want to scream. Scream until I can't breath anymore. Until I die. That is how much I love Subaru.

And that's why I ran.

She told me that there was no use in pretending. That she knew I loved Mimiru. Lies! Mimiru is a wonderful friend who encouraged me to tell Subaru how I felt. But Mimiru was wrong. Subaru doesn't love me.

And so I gate back to the place where I first met Mimiru then Subaru. Back to that low level dungeon with the still unopened treasure chest. I huddle 

against the wall in my anguish and wish that I could cry. But I can't. 

Here in The World that release is denied to me because this isn't my real body. This is a hologram of pixels and electricity made out of light. My soul inhabits this hologram but my real body is elsewhere.

And so I cannot cry.

I don't know how long I crouched there in my misery. It seemed like an eternity but later Mimiru said it had only been a half an hour or so. It only goes to show you how your feelings can distort your reality. But a shadow fell across me but I didn't care. I didn't want to know who it was but they wouldn't leave. Finally I looked up with a cool retort on my lips but I froze.

Subaru stood in front of me.

"What do you want?" I couldn't believe that was my voice. It sounded so flat and dead.

Subaru flinched. "To tell you I overreacted."

"So very nice of you to come and let me know," I replied.

Subaru took a deep breath. "I was so jealous."

That caught my attention and I couldn't help but respond. "Why?"

"All of a sudden you and Mimiru were so close." Subaru's shoulders straightened and she refused to look away. "You were with her all the time. You never seemed to want to spend time with me anymore. How could I not be jealous? I convinced myself that you would never return my feelings and so today was a big shock to me. I am so sorry for hurting you, Tsukasa."

The broken feeling in my chest had dropped away and disappeared. In it's place a warm feeling of anticipation grew. I looked up at her face that shone with the sincerity of her words and realized that while she had hurt me, I had also hurt her.

So I stood up and told her. "Then let's start over, Subaru. I'll start first."

Subaru nodded and I continued. "I love you, Subaru."

"I love you, Tsukasa," She replied.

A warm smile broke over stiff face of the puppet she inhabited and she stepped closer. I took her into my arms and kissed her. For Subaru it was simply a symbol because only her mind was here and she couldn't feel my lips. But for me I felt the warmth of her kiss and a scent I had come to recognize as Subaru. To me it was a long awaited culmination of love.

After an all too short moment I let her go. Subaru giggled a little at my blush over my audacity. She clasped her hand in mine and tugged me forward. We left the dungeon for the sunny land that lay above us.

"We should go thank Mimiru," I mentioned to Subaru as we emerged into sunlight.

A look passed over her face that I was unable to read. "Let's enjoy the scenery around us for a while, Tsukasa. Mimiru knows we're thankful for her help."

I was puzzled but I let it go. Girls are still a mystery to me so I did as Subaru asked me to. Subaru suggested we wait at the usual spot since Mimiru was sure to pass on the news to the others. 

So we sat at the bridge in Mac Anu and watched the world around us. The two of us basked in the happiness of being in love as we waited for our friends to join us.


End file.
